I think I need some direction. The problem I'm having now is keeping confidence in myself in the face of a constant fear of failing. I don't have a job, which means I'm not working toward getting the money to get me a vehicle to take me places. I don't have a stable education plan, which really concerns me. I need to call up MCC and make an appointment with the transfer advisor, but I haven't done it. I need to fill out my FAFSA, but I haven't done it. Heck, I need to send my Godparents a thank you card for my Christmas gift still. Everyday I wake up and think "oh, I'll do that today". I thought it today heading into the shower. I'll fill out my FAFSA. Definitely.
Didn't do it. I didn't avoid it specifically, it just never happened. Some would argue about whether I was maybe avoiding it subconsciously perhaps, or maybe I have some deep, dark (aren't they always) underlying fear of starting my path towards a higher education, but I couldn't care less. The bottom line is still the same: I'm not getting anything done. I haven't gotten anything done since I applied to Naz. I mean, I've done awesome stuff like go on Retreat and to CrossRoads in general. Stuff that will advance my personality's future, I guess, whatever that means. But as far as stuff to get me going on life, nothing. I applied to a few jobs with no answer. I know I should take my time and not worry about it, everything will work just fine.
But, to be quite honest, that makes it sound like I don't have to do a thing, which seems to be the exact opposite of the truth. If I just wait around for things to work out nothing will get done. Worse yet, once I decide to start getting a move on things, I'll still have all that stuff to work through, on top of whatever else I'm supposed to be doing. So I figure I really need to get a move on what I need to do now. It's just hard somedays to figure out why I'm bothering sometimes. It's not that I don't want to go to school at all. I'm pumped for college. I just wish it could happen without all the dancing. The financial aid dancing, the transportation dancing, the credit transfer dancing, the transfer dance period, I just have no patience for any of it. I'll have to develop some if I want this is happen I know, but I wish it was all simpler, I really do.
I'm not trying to sound like I'm facing some great trial. I know this is something millions of people go through every year. But I don't think the fact that it's just accepted as the norm makes it automatically okay. The fact the we force school on people for 12 years, making some, maybe most, hate it, only to ask for them to not only return of their own free will, but to PAY for it. Pay TONS of money to re-enter a system many had dreamed of finally being finished with. In a book it would be labeled as a plot hole. No one would ever go for that, it's just too ridiculous. To not only start paying school as soon as the rest of life starts coming crashing down on you, but to have to pay more than you might ever be able to. To take out loans you'll carry with you maybe forever. It's absurd. Except without that education, you can't do what you've been toiling away at school for the last 12 years for. So it's not absurd. It's, well, intelligent. Because it's extortion. I know, I'm blowing this WAY out of proportion. I should just suck it up and deal. And that's why it's perfectly normal that I'll leave college probably at least 20,000 dollars in debt, if I'm lucky! It'll probably be closer to 30, maybe 40 thousand depending on what Naz offers me.
This. System. Sucks.
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